How Practicing How to Be Kinder to Yourself When You Mess Up
We all make mistakes. Whether it’s missing a deadline, saying something we regret, or falling back into an old habit, it’s easy to slip into self-blame and harsh inner talk. Research shows that excessive self-criticism can be a precursor to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and many other mental health challenges (Šoková et al., 2025).
Beating ourselves up doesn’t help us grow. In fact, it often keeps us stuck. So what if we tried something different? What if we treated ourselves with the same compassion we might offer a friend?
The Inner Critic: Why We’re So Hard on Ourselves
Many of us carry an inner voice that says things like, “You should’ve known better,” or “You’re such a failure.” This voice is often shaped by past experiences such as messages we received in childhood, cultural expectations, or perfectionist standards.
We sometimes believe that if we’re hard enough on ourselves, we’ll do better next time. But research shows that self-criticism is linked to an increase of shame, not improvement (Šoková et al., 2025).
What Self-Compassion Really Means
Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility or making excuses. It means acknowledging your humanness. It means saying:
· “I made a mistake, and that’s okay.”
· “This is hard, but I can learn from it.”
· “I’m still worthy of care, even when I mess up.”
According to Dr. Kristin Neff (2023), a leading researcher in self-compassion, there are three core components:
1. Self-kindness: Speaking to yourself with warmth and understanding.
2. Common humanity: Recognizing that everyone struggles, it’s part of being human.
3. Mindfulness: Being aware of what you’re feeling without exaggerating or ignoring it.
How to Practice Self-Compassion When You’ve Made a Mistake
Pause and notice your reaction.
o What is your inner voice saying?
o How does your body feel, tense, heavy, restless?
Name what you’re feeling.
o Try: “I’m feeling embarrassed,” or “I’m disappointed in myself.”
o Naming emotions helps us move through them rather than get stuck in them.
Respond like you would to a friend.
o Ask yourself: “If my friend were in this situation, what would I say to them?”
o Then say that to yourself.
Learn from it, gently.
o Reflect on what you can take away from the experience.
o Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” try “What can I try differently next time?”
Take a small caring action.
o Go for a walk, drink water, reach out to someone safe, or write yourself a note.
o Small acts of care help rebuild trust with yourself.
Final Thoughts
Being kind to yourself when you mess up isn’t about lowering your standards, it’s about creating a healthier path to growth. Self-compassion doesn’t remove accountability; it just removes shame from the equation (Neff, 2023).
The next time you stumble, pause. Notice how you’re speaking to yourself. And remember: being human means being imperfect. You still deserve care, even when you’re learning.
If you find yourself stuck in patterns of self-criticism, therapy can be a supportive space to explore tools, build self-awareness, and develop self-compassion in a way that fits your unique journey.
References
Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047
Šoková, B., Greškovičová, K., Halamová, J., & Baránková, M. (2025). Breaking the vicious cycles of self-criticism: A qualitative study on the best practices of overcoming one’s inner critic. BMC psychology, 13(1), 266. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-024-02250-2